the need for something deeper

have you ever got to a point in your life where you look at what you wanted and see what you've attained.. and it just doesn't add up. [apparently im having a solomon moment] it's this kind of stagnant feeling, or unfulfilling nag.. like an 'i was made for more' moment. there have only been a few times in my life that i've actually ever had this: once.. when there was a war on my soul on whether to live in africa over the summer or not and the other time was.. well... now.

dont get me wrong, all in all im a fulfilled, happy, content and peaceful person. [especially as of late... since my return back to the states from africa... my life has just blossomed with blessings]. BUT, something about today has brought out some very strong emotion. it's not all bad... in fact, i think the authenticity of the feeling is liberating. this is what it is... im stressed, im tired, im in love, im happy, im bored, im busy, im stagnant and in need of something deeper [try to figure that one out] ;)

i have always always ALWAYS known that im a mission brat. im someone who loves serving others and gets  high off of the life im able to share in. before living in africa, i was a ball of pent up frustration at the world around me... honestly... WHAT IS YOUR NEED FOR 6 VEHICLES? <- venting. but in all reality.. we, as americans are such a spoiled people. i guess you could really say this for the 'western world' in general. we are in constant need for something more.. and we fill voids with material things, only to leave us empty and again... wanting more.

well, while i was away this past summer, not only were my material things stripped of me, but all self-righteousness was too. no one there knew of the accomplishments ive made in my life thus far... and they didn't know much of my aspirations for my future.. all they knew is that i was there, authentically... no flashy clothes, no designer bags, no vehicle, no cell, no laptop, no radio, no makeup, nothing to hold a candle to, all i was... was a believer. there to serve, there to learn, there to fellowship with, there to grow. i miss it. immensely.

on my return back to the states, i was really nervous about how i would react to all the materialism, the gossip, the cliques, the boastfulness of the people here. (knowing how frustrated i was at it all prior to my african trip)... but, really... the peace i had received  from my renewed spirit over the summer carried itself right over into the states. [what a blessing]. and instead of being more judgemental, im more understanding, instead of being more angered, im more forgiving, instead of being more anxious, im more trusting, and instead of feeling further from You... ive drawn closer. its beautiful.

this is my usual mentality. however, today... or, to be fair, the last week... has been a rough one. i have not been happy with the way i have chosen to live these last few days. the days were filled with pride, boastfulness, self-promoting actions/thoughts and it just makes me sick. physically so. this isn't me.

my resolve:
i had told myself that once a year im going to serve on a mission trip.. [2012 = haiti].
but theres more... there has to be more... instead of making a resolution to go serve once a year, i want the tables turned... i want to live serving and make a resolution to come home once a year.

its time to be renewed in the spirit. to drink of Your word. to live according to Your will.

Find your mission...

love never fails.

remember these faces..

mike and celine

mike and celine both went to the local small town high school and were tragically killed last january (1/22) in an awful accident. read about their story. and i've been thinking about them a lot lately as the anniversary of the accident is soon approaching. as i had prayed about their souls post-accident, i was most concerned for those they left behind... their friends and families. how absolutely devastating this loss was.

since they've been on my mind, last night i was creeping celine's best friend, taylor, on Facebook - she's such a doll and my heart just breaks for her as they were soooo close. [i honestly can't imagine losing my bestie, leah]. so as i journeyed to taylor's Facebook wall, i recognized that her default picture was of her and colin, one of mike's younger siblings. not knowing if this was just a pic put up in remembrance of mike and celine, i took my eyes on over to taylor's relationship status, "...in a relationship with colin.." BEAUTIFUL!!!!

taylor and colin

taylor and celine

colin and mike

what an outcome... the best friend of celine in a relationship with the brother of mike. i truly wish the best for both of them. no doubt the accident brought them closer together, God is just mysterious like that. SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH. please pray for them as a couple, especially for the remainder of this month.. as they agonizingly relive their pain. NOTHING BUT BLESSINGS FOR YOU.

<3

the service take-aways

as promised, here are the service notes from sundays services w megs and sean..

at my church we are in a series called 'pursuit' which is about pursuing God's wisdom in different areas of your life. it's a study of the book of proverbs and the 1st thing you should understand is that proverbs are proverbs, some mistake them for promises or commands/guardrails. a proverb is 'a catchy description of the way things usually are' (i.e. 'happy is the man who finds wisdom and the man who gets understanding' prov. 3:13) this verse doesn't promise that finding wisdom makes you happy, but it provides insight as to what is LIKELY going to result from wisdom + understanding... get it?

proverbs also gives us a little insight into the 'good life', the cars, the house, the spouse, the children, the money, the material... right? you're catching on aren't you? here's an excerpt by solomon from ecclesiastes chapter 2:

"i did great things, built houses, planted vineyards, designed gardens and parks and planted a variety of fruit trees in them, made pools of water to irrigate the groves of trees. i bought slaves, male and female, who had children, giving me more slaves. then i acquired large herds and flocks, larger than anyone before me in jerusalem. I piled up silver and gold, loot from kings and kingdoms. i gathered a chorus of singers to entertain me with song, and most exquisite of all pleasures, voluptuous maidens for my bed, oh how i prospered! i left my predecessors in jerusalem far behind, left them behind in the dust. what's more, i kept a clear head through it all. Everything i wanted, i took - i never said no to myself. i gave in to every impulse, held back nothing. i sucked the marrow of pleasure out of every task, my reward to myself for a hard days' work! then i took a good look at everything i'd done, looked at all the sweat and hard work. but when i looked, i saw nothing but smoke. smoke and spitting into the wind. there was nothing to any of it. nothing."

the 'good life' should consist of love, forgiveness, service, compassion... just living more like Christ [and i can attest to this.. that living more like Him, gives you so much peace... nothing else matters, not anything of this world].

So on to relationships: scripture shows that we, as humans have an innate NEED for connection with other humans. in Genesis 2:18, is the 1st time God says that there is something wrong with His creation... it states, 'it is not good for man to be alone'. there you have it... we NEED each other. so does it matter who we associate with? well, if you want real/authentic/true community with others, it does.

proverbs 12:26, 'the godly give good advice to their friends, the wicked lead them astray'. 

"wisdom is not only acquiring the knowledge, but applying it too!"

so how do i be someone who is wise, seeking/giving/receiving 'good advice'?

• speak and receive the truth (prov. 10:17, 12:15, 15:31)
• pursue and nurture wise relationships (prov. 18:1)
• extend and expect grace (prov. 19:11, 17:17)

Watch this service "pursuing God's wisdom in relationships"

at sean's church, the message was an excerpt from the sermon on the mount. it was about living life worry free. the passage was taken from matthew 6:25-34 and the points made were:

don't worry about where your next meal is coming from - there ARE parts of this world where the better of the population has this worry... everyday. but the 'meat' (no pun intended) of this part of scripture is the reality that the bread OF life is better than the bread FOR life.

don't worry about what you are going to wear - more of the issue of being clothed rather than the whole standing in front of a mirror for a half hour deciding which outfit looks cutest on you. these are material items.. meaning NOTHING. there's no material things that hold any weight in heaven. all of these will stay on earth to rot away, be consumed by moths and stolen by men. 

don't worry about how long you will live - this just has anxiety written all over it! how would you live day to day with this worry? life here on earth is entirely too short to worry about this AND it's so draining to think about. God decides this, so let Him take this worry.

"worry doesn't empty tomorrow of it's sorrow, it empties today of it's strength"

Just dwell on this: 'the person who fears God, has NOTHING else to fear'.

There you have it!! 

i want one

remember when i said that i have this rather overwhelmingly large exam that i have to pass in order to start this great job i have lined up? well, I'm at starbucks, studying (and blogging).. and i realized... i have NO MOTIVATION. i did 2 practice tests today (which is 2 more than i usually do.. kudos), so i decided it was time for a wee little break. ;)

okay, so i don't have the notes in front of me from the 2 church services last sunday, but i promise those tidbits will be coming shortly - bc it's too good for me to keep all to myself. be patient.

MEANWHILE... i HAVE to share about an outing i had yesterday. let me build this up for you.. i live in a rather tiny town in central illinois and theres a specific road that connects this tiny town to a larger small town.. and on this stretch of black top, there's a house with a fenced in yard and i had sworn that there was a camel in their yard at some point during my first summer here ('09). since then, I've come to the realization that, in fact, the family that lives there owns a camel/miniature horses/ostrich and who knows what else. when i returned from my summer adventure in zambia, i noticed that there was a new pet shop located right next to this funky house (oh... they really do have a cool looking house.. so cute) - and since i figured they owned it, i didn't really know what to expect, but me, being the nosey person i apparently am, begged and begged cody to take me. so last night... we went.

a rather large, free reigning, turtle - with LOTS of spikes?!

what are you?

gorgeous birds!

bobcats.. HUGE ones.

my fav... marmosets! they were adorable <3

how much is that doggie in the window??

the cutest hound EVER. i love your over-sized ears.

would have gotten more pics of the monkeys, fox and all the other fun stuff, but i was reprimanded for taking pics. the staff was so nice about it, they just prefer you not for liability reasons... but for the record.. the staff is great and these animals are being well sought after ;)

all in all, i think this is great, bc now my desire to knock on their door and ask to see their strange/exotic pets has escaped me. mystery -> over. good times.

past, present and forever.

lately, sundays are the days of the week i look forward to most. yesterday started out with my good friends sean and megan coming with me to church (along with my aunt, but cody was at work.. bummer) - i had invited them since the service was going to be about pursuing God's wisdom in relationships. afterwards, i told them that i would join them at sean's church (you know, take a little, give a little). i really enjoyed it as well, it's a bit more conservative than the church i go to (non-denominational, community church), but it reminded me of the baptist church i grew up in. the message was about what not to worry about in 2012 (all write a few of the service take-aways in my next post.. they're just too good to pass up).

okay, so truth be told, the REAL reason im stoked for sundays is that on sunday nights, sean and megan come over to cody's house and we do a couples bible study (LOVES IT). while in tennessee with cody for a few days after Christmas, my mom had lent us this video series consisting of 12- 30 min sessions of seminar from the book song of solomon, we also do a group discussion of the topics after viewing each session. the song of solomon study is a study about love, sex, dating and marriage and i would highly recommend it to anyone in ANY stage of courtship (single, newly dating, courting, newly married, divorced... whatever!). it's so interesting, and i can only speak from what i know, but when doing the study with someone whom you are newly dating, it's phenomenal in bringing you closer to knowing what God has in store for your romantic life ;)                         Order Song of Solomon

PAST:  i moved from central florida to central illinois in 2009. (i know what you're thinking... whhhhyyyy?!) but i have family here and both of my parents grew up here, i had also applied and gotten accepted to a nursing program at a local university here. so with this combined with me needing to temporarily or permanently escape central florida, i decided... why not?! once i decided to move here, an old friend had asked me out... so we started dating about 6 months before the big move... we dated, all together, for about 3 years and it ended when i decided to go to africa this past summer on a medical mission trip for 2.5 months. the 1st time i saw brett when i got back, he broke up with me. it hurt.. bad. i didn't understand, but as time passed, and with family and friend support as well as a strong foundation in my relationship with God, I realized that this guy whom i thought i could spend the rest of my life with wasn't who i thought he was at all. so much had changed in just the few months i was away, that made me realize not only did he have a lot of soul searching to do, but that God had a different plan in mind for me than what i did (go figure).

all the while, back in 2009, i had been a part of a 'lifegroup' at church (just another name for a small group), it consisted of young adults/college aged people and was led by... CODY. from listening to cody and seeing how in love he was with the Lord, i knew he was special. honestly, his passion was attractive to me (and if you are a believer and a woman, you know exactly what im talking about ... men who are Christ lovers are HOT!) but... i was in a relationship, and i was willing to give that relationship all i had, so i didn't think of cody as anything but a friend/group leader. i am VERY committed to my relationships and would do nothing to hurt the other person or put our relationship at risk. with this being said, brett never really cared too much for cody... he didn't like his past, he felt intimidated when cody would try to talk to him at lifegroup, and he didn't like that cody and i talked on the phone every once in awhile, so he asked me to stop talking to him, so i did. for about a year and a half, i didn't talk to cody. it wasn't until after brett broke up with me that i decided i wanted that friend back... except it turned into something more... much much more. like i said... God has His ways.. his subtle, very powerful, moving, blessed ways.

meg and sean... aren't they the cutest!

PRESENT: enough of the sap story. let's chat a bit about sean and megan. sean is cody's bestie... gotta love it. they've been friends for a long time and after a little break, they rekindled their bromance in north dakota while murdering waterfowl (very romantic). after meeting sean a couple times - when i was lured into tagging along on a few hunting extravaganzas, it was time to meet megan. this was a HUGE deal to me since when we would all 4 get together (me, cody, sean and megs), it would kinda be like a double date < which i was NOT ready for. so on new years eve, we all 4 got together and went to chili's for a "double friend outing". loves it. and i have to tell you... this is SUCH a God thing... megan and i hit it off, from the beginning, iv'e felt that talking with her was like talking to an old friend.. we have so many similarities and our faith backgrounds are also very mind-blowingly alike. she's a great girl and im glad that the 4 of us together just fit. we like a lot of the same things and have to deal with the boys - who also like a lot of the same things... so it just all works out.

FOREVER: as i look back, i wonder about all the time that i had wasted worrying about God's plan for me and how/when it was all going to come together... truth is.. none of that is up to you. and the more you try to rush it, the more frustrated you will get. i have never felt a peace like this in my entire life. cody and i are both flawed individuals full of pasts that we have to live with but refuse to let them dictate our future. but with the grace and forgiveness of God, we have found eachother, have grown so much in such a short time with eachother... like i said, it's a peace that is just overflowing and i truly wish this love on everyone.

it's beautiful.

here is another recommendation that i have.. cody and i (and sean and megs) are also doing separate couple devotions. this one is good, could use a little more biblical reference, but all in all, it's worthwhile.
meg and i were drawn to it because after each devotion there is a set of conversation questions that get you talking with room to write answers... date the pages and you have a couple's journal! ;)

Order Closer

here it goes - a wave goodbye to 2011

blessed. purely blessed. this has been the consecutive theme of my days as of late. yea, so, 2011 left a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth (depending on glass half empty/half full perspective - i usually lean towards the latter). but what year concludes without this feeling? things that i will take into this new year with appreciation...

life is short.. too short at times.

Mike Honan & Celine Estes 1/22/11

                                

Bob, a great man 4/6/11

the weeks upon weeks wait for a US passport is well worth the wait.

JAMAICA - beachside!

Mar & I at the swim up bar

Marla (my sis) and I

bubba (bro-in-law), mar, me & brett (boyfriend)

there really are starving children in africa. and it isn't just food they're hungry for. 'yesu kristu diyi mwanta' (jesus christ is lord in lunda). also, while in africa, i solidified my calling. midwife. one day at a time... 2011 gave me a chance to observe, assist and solely deliver in 42 births.

Zambia, Africa May-Aug 2011 - Medical Mission Trip

my 1st solo delivery

Brett, Braydon (my nephew) & I

just because you give someone 3 years of your life, doesn't mean you are prepared to give them the rest of the years of your life.

nursing school is best when it's over. [breathe]

Meg, Stace & I at graduation!

volunteering was one of the best decisions i ever made... 2 years of free labor, and now they want to pay me. landed a very 'in demand' RN job at one of the major area hospitals in their mom/baby unit. - now all i have to do it pass the NCLEX (licensing boards for nursing) - gulp.

dad - harley accident

 riding a harley without a helmet = bad idea. thank GOD you didn't hit your head and all you suffered was a broken leg!

some friends, who you've met in past chapters of your life, have a harder time transitioning into the new chapters of life. though you know that the potential for new friends to remain as life friends is alive and well.

nursing grls - me, stace, megs, diane

val and I

soulmates really do exist. i thought a soulmate was someone you are close to who you decide to spend the rest of your life with. in reality, its someone you grow close to who God appoints for you to spend the rest of your life with.

Cody

a KISS to bring in 2012

rocky top tennessee

2012, a salute to you. bring on the new chapters, the new people, the new experiences, the laughs, the tears, the heartache and bliss. i welcome you with arms wide open..