the need for something deeper

have you ever got to a point in your life where you look at what you wanted and see what you've attained.. and it just doesn't add up. [apparently im having a solomon moment] it's this kind of stagnant feeling, or unfulfilling nag.. like an 'i was made for more' moment. there have only been a few times in my life that i've actually ever had this: once.. when there was a war on my soul on whether to live in africa over the summer or not and the other time was.. well... now.

dont get me wrong, all in all im a fulfilled, happy, content and peaceful person. [especially as of late... since my return back to the states from africa... my life has just blossomed with blessings]. BUT, something about today has brought out some very strong emotion. it's not all bad... in fact, i think the authenticity of the feeling is liberating. this is what it is... im stressed, im tired, im in love, im happy, im bored, im busy, im stagnant and in need of something deeper [try to figure that one out] ;)

i have always always ALWAYS known that im a mission brat. im someone who loves serving others and gets  high off of the life im able to share in. before living in africa, i was a ball of pent up frustration at the world around me... honestly... WHAT IS YOUR NEED FOR 6 VEHICLES? <- venting. but in all reality.. we, as americans are such a spoiled people. i guess you could really say this for the 'western world' in general. we are in constant need for something more.. and we fill voids with material things, only to leave us empty and again... wanting more.

well, while i was away this past summer, not only were my material things stripped of me, but all self-righteousness was too. no one there knew of the accomplishments ive made in my life thus far... and they didn't know much of my aspirations for my future.. all they knew is that i was there, authentically... no flashy clothes, no designer bags, no vehicle, no cell, no laptop, no radio, no makeup, nothing to hold a candle to, all i was... was a believer. there to serve, there to learn, there to fellowship with, there to grow. i miss it. immensely.

on my return back to the states, i was really nervous about how i would react to all the materialism, the gossip, the cliques, the boastfulness of the people here. (knowing how frustrated i was at it all prior to my african trip)... but, really... the peace i had received  from my renewed spirit over the summer carried itself right over into the states. [what a blessing]. and instead of being more judgemental, im more understanding, instead of being more angered, im more forgiving, instead of being more anxious, im more trusting, and instead of feeling further from You... ive drawn closer. its beautiful.

this is my usual mentality. however, today... or, to be fair, the last week... has been a rough one. i have not been happy with the way i have chosen to live these last few days. the days were filled with pride, boastfulness, self-promoting actions/thoughts and it just makes me sick. physically so. this isn't me.

my resolve:
i had told myself that once a year im going to serve on a mission trip.. [2012 = haiti].
but theres more... there has to be more... instead of making a resolution to go serve once a year, i want the tables turned... i want to live serving and make a resolution to come home once a year.

its time to be renewed in the spirit. to drink of Your word. to live according to Your will.

Find your mission...