social sensation

if you're one of the handful of people -and i'm being generous here- who follow my instagram account [alibartelmay - shameless plug] then you've probably caught on to what a craft nerd i am. my days off usually consist of a mixture of vegging out and crafting. my husband would refer to me as a productivity-holic.

in all honesty, my first go-to for 'off-day fun' is cleaning house, but when i get all lysoled-out [which is anywhere between 10-15 min after 'go-time'], i then resort to wreath-making, crocheting, painting, wood-transferring, sewing, blanket-making, candle-making, vinyl pressing, furniture re-upholstering... and baking (that's a craft too.. right?). and i place total and complete blame on pinterest [can i get an 'amen!']. okay, so maybe not complete blame, but 97.3% nonetheless.

with one look at pinterest, there's really no mystery as to how it has the ability to suck us in [for hours upon hours at times.. or is that just me? surely not] as women, our minds are going 1,763 miles a minute and we are constantly entertaining the thought of meals, home-improvements, crafts, clothing...etc. so to be able to go to one site and be bombarded by an endless page of all the above.. it seems like the perfect time suck [and you don't have to feel guilty because you're being productive...  right?]- i must admit, it's kind of hypnotizing. [sitting, starring at screen, mouth open, possible drool accumulating, when's the last time you blinked?] sound familiar? yea.. not to me either :x

with all this said, if you are anything like me, you have a love/hate relationship with most social media sites. don't get me wrong, i love love LOVE the morgasport of new ideas i get on sites like pinterest, or staying in touch with far-away friends and family via Facebook. however, i think it's safe to say that it all comes with a cost. and most of the time, jealousy/envy, resentment, slander and boastfulness rule the roost.

truthfully, where my love/hate relationship comes to a climax with social media sites is when i step back and look at how many of us have bought, made, or changed something about ourselves, our jobs, our food or how we live due to what we have seen on our news-feeds. i know i have! and i don't like that. not one bit. i want to live in a way that enables me to be me (freely) and to glorify Christ wholly.

i don't want to take what this fleeting culture has to say about my hair, my weight, my home, my relationships, my makeup, my meals... to heart and overlook the blessings i so abundantly have already. I want to look at all these aspects of my life through the lens of Christ and change only that which would bring me closer to a likeness of Him.

selah

According to multiple, totally credible (I'm sure) internet resources, the Hebrew word Selah (סֶלָה) is often used in the Bible in places that call you to "break" or "pause" and "ponder" on the preceding verse(s).

It's a word that has been on my heart now for a few years - and not just because I think it would be a darling baby girl name someday Selah Rae Bartelmay (nice little ring to it..eh?), but because I'm AWFUL at it. Resting/pausing that is.

For some reason - for me (let's just go ahead and blame the xx genes I have) - pausing, meditating, slowing down is an absolute discipline. One that I'm not good at. At all. Like ever. Never ever.

Not only am I a woman, but I am a full time Nurse (my middle name is "multi-tasker"), run a thriving eCommerce business out of my home (insert 2nd full time job) and try to balance the workload with social time with friends, small groups, prayer groups, and inner city volunteering... every week. God only knows what I'll do if I ever have children!

In a culture where it is encouraged to be caffeine-ridden, highly stimulated and ever-so entrepreneurial (as supported in an article titled "10 Ways to Become the Most Productive Person Around" found here), it is rather counter-intuitive to PAUSE, though we are called to.

“Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.                     Mark 6:31

"..they had no leisure even to eat"... this sounds like a bad day at work to me.


It used to be ("used to be" as in yesterday) that I would have many things on my mind and my hand in an exuberant number of duties that it would literally take every ounce of will power for me to stop. sit down. pause. And  to do it without looking at the clock, accomplishing things in my mind, or strategically coordinating each move to be as "efficient" as possible. And if/when I fail at this sorry attempt to slow down, I catch myself deceivingly believing that I've succeeded at a "time of relaxation" (ya know, because I wasn't doing anything "productive"), yet I had robbed myself of true rest.

It didn't take me long to realize that this way of thinking/living/working overflowed into other areas of my life, like sleeping (it can take my mind anywhere from 30 min-1 hr of laying down at night before it starts slowing - and NO I don't drink caffeine in the evenings, and I don't look at my phone in bed - I actually try to read in order to get my mind to S-T-O-P.

Most importantly, though, it affected my time in prayer.

About a year ago I started on a Bible-reading plan in which I told myself that I would read every morning, and spend some time in prayer as well. For me, prayer can be intimidating. On a regular basis, I am in constant communication with God... I'll talk to him on and off throughout the day. This is refreshing to me, but tell me to have undistributed, very focused, non-distracted time in prayer, and I clam up! It's almost like I sit down and think now what?!

I would sit down and start praying, all the while, though my lips were uttering praises, my mind was thinking did I put the laundry away last night, what's that smell, did Cody forget the garbage this morning, what about the dishes... I turn into COMPLETE "Martha Mode" while at the feet of Jesus.

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”   Luke 10:38

After realizing this, the Spirit put a conviction on my heart that I was putting on the back-burner something that needed to be front and center. This demanded change.

Thankfully, God has grown me SO much in this area. I found out that, for me, when I get up in the morning, I need to get ready for the day, take the dogs out, clean any dishes in the sink, take clothes out of the washer/dryer (which in total only takes about 20 min), and THEN I can make my tea, sit down, pray, and read the Word without my mind running away from me.

It took a LOT of discipline in the beginning, then it became a habit... and now, it's an anticipated necessity.

ahhhh.... selah

..and if not, He is still good

is it just me... or has your prayer list seemingly doubled in the last month?

in times of uncertainty and trial - seek [and find] Him.

i am overwhelmed by the testing of saints going on around me. and then i am reminded [ever so gently] of just the beginning verse of God's response to job's questioning of his trials in chapter 38.

"who is this that obscures my plans    with words without knowledge?" job 38:2

and it brings me to the stark realization that the overwhelming anxiety, frustration, guilt, sadness, helplessness and fear that i have for these friends of mine comes not from God but from the hordes of hell. and they will not prevail - you can quote me on this.

i don't know if it's because i have this sense of peace and comfort when i think about God and the omniscient knowledge He has of what is good for us that keeps me sane or if it's my 'spiritual gift' of faith that is bursting through the seems of my self.. but all i know is that i can utilize this truth and be an encouragement to my dear friends.

i wish, oh i wish, the trials that i am watching my friends/former friends walk through were those of seasonal peaks and valleys [a car that got totaled, a job that was lost...]  - but that the diagnosis of cancer, lyme's disease (while pregnant), multiple sclerosis, drug addiction, gang rape and death weren't the reality of these friends.

may i be reminded, lest i worry - that most of these trials are in the lives of believers. and this encourages me.

"...by testing you may discern what is the will of God..." romans 12:2

but for those few who's fruit does not suggest a life entrusted to Christ - pray. pray that these trials are ways that God is unveiling their eyes to the truth of His love, His sovereignty and His peace.

when all else fails

when you have a day off and you realize...

• the family finances haven't been looked at  - since last year. [give me a break.. we're only 6 days in]
• the bills need paid.. and the internet only works while you are sitting on the couch by the window. so much for my 'office'

• the laundry is probably moldy because you forgot to put the clothes in the dryer last night before bed.
• the random 'spur of the moment' online purchases you just received...  need returned. what was i thinking?
• the dogs need fed and taken out - and the vet is sending 'we miss you' cards because they haven't been... in "a while" 
• the car needs an oil change - but doesn't have the gas to get there. 
• the blog you swore you would publish more entries on - hasn't been updated in 6 mos. 
• the etsy store you opened has a pile of new items that need uploaded [pile - more the likes of mt. everest than the resilient red ant hill outside] 
  
  
  
• the daily thyroid meds you're supposed to take - have been sitting at the pharmacy.. for 3 days
• the toothache you have may suggest a trip to the dentist - soon. 
• the house needs vacuumed - bad. i thought dogs aren't supposed to shed this much in winter?!
• the counters where the awesome, sweet, kind, loving, handsome hubby of mine cut up deer last night... were never wiped off - and the paper towels you open to clean it off with have some type of larvae on them.
  

surely my day isn't completely unlike yours?! *hats off to those who have kids! we'll add "keeping people alive" to your list. 

breathe. i remind myself that i am NOT ALLOWED to do anything without first spending some sweet time in the Word. this should be good, i'll get a hot drink to sip as I have my tea time with God. this, mind you, is my favorite time of the day. <3

the kettle is on. the water is poured. the tea, cardamom, cinnamon and pepper are steeping. a splash of milk and we are good to go... and we are OUT OF MILK.

plan B. coffee. easy. the hubster seriously wrote the saying 'all i need in the morning is Jesus and coffee'. pouring the coffee. heading to the fridge for the creamer. GONE. of course.

plan C. back to tea. the one i've let steep now for 8 minutes [should only steep for about 4 min for all you non-tea drinkers <- shame on you]. sip. cringe. yep - that'll send my heart into palpitating in no time. perfect.

we're going with it.

I find my seat - nestled in the corner section of the sectional. back resting against the fluffy pillows, feet kicked up, phone turned off [well, on vibrate - and laid on a surface that won't sound like an earthquake if someone texts]. breathe.  and i'm there. right where i need to be to enjoy the time in His presence.

but my mind - it's back up there... ya know, where all the things on the 'to do list' live.

for.the.love. 

God. i need you. i need your peace. i need your guidance. please help me not be so distracted by these things. help me be still!

and so it was - now that i'm writing and i'm faithful at keeping myself accountable [73% of the time], you ought to correctly assume that i have had my time in the Word this morning. hallelujah! and you know what... all that stuff above - it's just, ya know.. STUFF. i've given the burden and pressure of getting it all done today over to God.

well - i'm off to have lunch with a couple good friends... ya know, the IMPORTANT things in this life.

Have a stressed BLESSED day! Cheers!

flesh vs. faith

in a conversation with mama recently [anyone else have to talk to mama on a daily basis], i was discussing the pressures that this western culture has on a mid 20's wife like your's truly.

among the pressures of starting a family now that we're married, pursuing the stay at home wife/mom life, or living in a small town where it's much more ideallic to raise a family, the most obvious pressure [personally], is buying a house. this may sound utterly ridiculous as the pressures you feel may be polar opposites, but stick with me here...

i am in my mid 20's, been married over a year, and what do i have to 'show' for it? a 3rd floor apartment on a major highway on the out-skirts of a major city. oh, and 2 dogs. i'm at the point where i sit back and say 'God, if i die and find out you don't exist... i've literally wasted a life.'

here's what i mean... cody and i aren't [by any means] wealthy [as far as western culture would say], however, we have the means [and the desire at times] to live comfortably, by some land, build a house, raise a family (especially while in the midst of living in the richest zip code in beautiful alabama, surrounded by intense - and utterly ridiculous large homes) - but here's the catch - how do we justify it?

trust me, i've tried, many many times to justify the american dream as i revisit the thought of buying land in my mind.. but i just can't do it. i can't. the goal for us is to be completely (100%) debt free in order to be able to go over seas as missionaries in a moment's notice. the blank check is on the table.

cody and i both have the strong conviction of reaching the unreached with the good news of Christ and how do we accomplish this without 1st denying that which our culture says is necessary for a comfortable life?

my flesh so desires to be close [geographically] to family... to live in a big house on lots of land, raising lots of animals and lots of children ;) but my soul desires the glory of God more. period. and the battle between flesh and soul can be tearfully nagging at times. it's at this point that i realize either i'm all in or i am just another cultural Christian who only claims the holy name of God in the confines of a warm and fuzzy environment. and if i'm all in, there's no turning back.

my flesh desires the american dream.... 

but my souls desires God more.

either there's a God... or there's not. there are ONLY 2 SCENARIOS:

THERE'S NO GOD
1) i'm a cultural Christian. i live in a nice house, with a nice family, in a nice area, leaving a nice legacy. when i die, i no longer exist, but i've enjoyed life, was moral, left a family with values...
2) i'm a Christian. i may never own a house. i may be called to live in diesease and poverty stricken areas. i travel about, possibly risking my life and that of my family's, telling people of a God that doesn't exist. when i die, i've wasted a life. the only one i'll ever have.
3) i'm not a Christian. i live how i want. i die and no longer exist.

 THERE'S A GOD
1) i'm a cultural Christian. i live in a nice house, with a nice family, in a nice area, leaving a nice legacy. when i die, i answer to God regarding what i've done with my life to glorify Him. will He see that i loved Him more than myself?
2) i'm a Christian. i may never own a house. i may be called to live in diesease and poverty stricken areas. i travel about, possibly risking my life and that of my family's, telling people of a God that exists and when i die, i hear 'welcome good and faithful servant!' from the lips of my God!
3) i'm not a Christian. i live how i want. i'm damned for an eternity in hell.

i would classify most americans as a number 1. those who have fallen face-first into what deuteronomy 6 warns about. people who are satisfied and FULL off things God has blessed them with that they no longer have a need for God.

And when the LORD your God brings you into the land... with great and good cities that you did not build, and houses full of all good things that you did not fill, and cisterns that you did not dig, and vineyards and olive trees that you did not plant—and when you eat and are full, then take care lest you forget the LORD.... It is the LORD your God you shall fear...  for the LORD your God in your midst is a jealous God—lest the anger of the LORD your God be kindled against you, and he destroy you from off the face of the earth... You shall not put the LORD your God to the test... you shall do what is right and good in the sight of the LORD...

when you consider yourself a number 2 in either of these scenarios (as i do)... there's really no choice here. you are BANKING YOUR WHOLE LIFE on the fact that THERE IS A GOD and you live accordingly.

you've heard it before and will (most-assuredly) again:

i'd rather live like there is a God and find out that there's not, than to live like there's not one and find out that there is. 

psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength,a very present help in trouble. [psalm 46:1]

for whatever reason, God has deemed this season of my marriage as a growing one. and through the encouragment i have in close, godly frienships/mentorships, i am learning where to find purpose and strength through times of heartache and mis-steps. [i must pause here and state that i am immensely thankful for the community God has so graciously provided cody and i!]

in the christian life, a time of trial is bitter-sweet (biblically more sweet than bitter), as christians we know that God utilizes the struggles in our lives to point out and refine areas of weakness/lack of faith - we call this 'sanctification'. we know that being broken reminds us of our need for a Savior, that being humbled makes us more like Christ. and yet, at times, i can't help but want to unleash the human in me and go back in time to punch eve in the face for tasting that forbidden fruit. sigh.

most recently, i've found that an urgency to read and meditate on the Word comes all too often between the hours of 1am and 2am. [how i am going to manage this when i start working dayshift next week is beyond me] ;) i don't know what it is about curling up on the couch in the dead of night, most assuredly with tears in my eyes, a heavy heart, an open bible, a pen and paper nearby -that just satisfies the soul!

as i read the journal entries and prayers i've written in the last few days, it's clear that my heart is troubled. it's clear that the miscommunication, misinformation, mis-steps and mis-haps have taken their toll on me. it's clear that i'm stressed and anxious to the max. therefore, it's clear... that i'm not right with God - i'm not trusting His sovereignty.

trials and marriage. wow. i wish i could be an open book for all to see the shortcomings in cody and i, however, i believe, in respect of our marriage, and for both of our sakes - i ought not to air our dirty laundry. however, i will say this... perserverance has a new meaning to us. it's one thing to stand up on your wedding day with all the hopes and dreams in the world for your new life, and mutter the words 'for better or for worse' and not completely comprehend the weight of that covenant - it's another to feel crushed, broken, tramlped on... and still have the love to want to serve the one who has just thrown your heart, chained to a cinder block, into the deep. it is all too easy, when you feel wronged, to have the attitude of retaliation. however, Christ didn't take this same outlook. instead, Christ died and served those who hated him.

now, now, now... before you go judging the man i call husband [or myself, for that matter] - i want to be clear... cody is an amazing husband! he is one of the most God-fearing men i know! he models for me what it means to be patient and is an excellent communicator and hard worker. he has the drive to provide for our small family - and he does so sucessfully. the only thing i can really complain about with him... is that he's human. and so am i. oh, yes... and so are you. ;)

in times and seasons such as these, how does the application of psalm 46:1 play out? let me show you.. when you are helpless, seek Him - when you are troubled, seek Him - when you are hurt, seek Him - when you feel betrayed, seek Him - when you are weak, seek Him - and when you are hopeful, joyful, whole and strong... seek Him. PRAY PRAY PRAY beloved. pray.

old became new

tes·ti·mo·ny •evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something.

growing up in a church, going to a private school, being an active member in youth group, and having an unwavering, God-fearing mother.. were collectively wonderful things that lead to my, now much more mature [yet, undeniably still elementary], foundation in my faith in Jesus as Christ. though when i hear others' testimonies, i tend to covet those who have had mind-blowing 180º turns [kinda like my hubby].. while i sit there and shy away from telling people my 'boring' testimony of

well.. i grew up in a church, never really strayed, always knew i needed Christ and here i am

lately i've been convicted to authentically self-examine and reflect on a testimony that seems rather superficial [if i do say so myself]. in the beginning of this evaluation, i told myself that even though i cannot conjure up pivotal supernatural events such as habitual drug use gone sober - or visions of Christ in vivid dreams, i needed to be transparent with myself [which, seemingly is a VERY challenging thing to do] and take a good look at, not only what Christ has delivered me from, but give praise to what He has also kept me from.

with a testimony that is supposedly void of these truly miraculous happenings that 'ought' to have been present with the change from old -> new, it is ridiculously [and shamefully] easy to down-play and over-look the glory that is due God.

to no surprise of mine, i would say that this plays into my BIGGEST struggle that i continuously need to surrender to the power of Christ.. which is pride... MY pride in a false reassurance that i am a forever faithful, non-wavering servant of Christ. what a crock!






even the most basic of the law calls me an idol worshiping, selfish, dishonorable, adulterous, jealous, murderer and liar. [exodus 20:2-17]
i SO desire the evidence of change... i guess, for me... it was slow - it was something i grew into [and am STILL growing into] - there is no 'one moment' that i can rant about that would make this any more interesting... i just was... and now i am.


JUSTIFICATION
in a nutshell
once upon a time, at vacation bible school (VBS) in 1994 [at age 7], i raised my hand to be 'saved'.. to this day, i use this as my 'day of salvation'... though, i'm about certain that i had no flipping clue what that really meant for me - all i knew... is that i would get one of those cool little Bibles [ya know... the cute new testament pocket-sized ones with psalms and proverbs]. like i mentioned previously, i grew up in church... so stating that i was a sinner and that Jesus died for my sins was as simple and route as stating the alphabet or 2+2=4... it just...was. ingrained.

as i got a bit older, i may read my bible here and there, listen to some christian jams, hang out with church friends... but i still am not convinced that i knew the weight of being a disciple of Christ.

does this mean i wasn't saved? not necessarily... however... there was just NO REAL CHANGE. i spoke to my parent's disrespectfully, thought of myself as important, cared way too much about what boys thought of me, & loved to show off my louis vuitton, fendi, prada, dooney & burke, coach, MAC, juicy couture, bebe, tiffany, chanel... i got SUCKERED into the oohs & ahhs of this culture. this dreadful pop culture.

speaking of this culture...
[stepping up onto my soap box for a quick min]
may i propose that satan has successfully fooled many 'christians' into believing they are saved due to an isle they walked down, a prayer they prayed, or a hand they raised... yet have produced no fruit.. oh the wolf in sheeps clothing, for i cannot wait for the day that he dreadfully burns in hell for all eternity.
if there is 'salvation' without change... is it possible there is NO SALVATION
[off the soap box now]

this is unbelievably convicting to me... all those people i ran in circles with in high school... college... previous work places.. and i can about lay my life down on the fact that they couldn't tell a difference between me and the next 'miss thang'. so i ask myself... why this conviction now? why not this strong conviction then? deep down [whatever that means], i knew.. just KNEW that i was different... that i was set apart.

SANCTIFICATION

i tell you the truth...

• there HAS been true/hard/heartbreaking/joyful sanctification within my relationship with Christ. i may have been justified in the eyes of God by the sacrifice of His Son a long, long time ago [can i get an AMEN?!].. but until i am glorified in the presence of God - there's still much to be learned here.
• i HAVE stumbled my way through the murky water, relying on myself, only to be caught in the abyss of the darkness of this world.
•  i have been the likes of peter in his denial, thomas in his doubting... judas in his betraying.

...and this is the most BEAUTIFUL thing. for without this... i have NO story. without this, i have NO change or growth in Him... without my failures, i am in need of NO savior.
through this, God has changed doubt to confidence and shame to joy!

an old, self-promoting, self-gratifying, slave to sin...

                                             

became a new, self-sacrificing, people-loving, servant of God

may i shout it from the mountaintops... 

i am NEW by NOTHING, BUT THE BLOOD OF JESUS!