waiting on God

For God alone, 

O my soul, wait in silence,


for my hope is from him.


psalm 62:5 (ESV)

As many of you know, Cody and I moved to Sweet Home Alabama just over 2 years ago to become a part of a local church body in order to be better equipped for mission work (most likely overseas). 

In our minds, by this time, we would be much closer to that end than we seemingly are. This can be frustrating... and is at times. 

As with anything (i.e. a new job, a new relationship, a marriage...) our expectations and presumptions are often misleading and delusive; as we persevere on with our new endeavor, we begin to see that there are ebbs and flows in the maintenance of our progress of moving towards the goal.

What I have observed in my own life with these areas of discontentment (let's just call it what it is), is that the persistent pursuing and seeking of God through his word gives hope and allows for immense growth... while I wait. 

Currently, Cody and I are in an apartment that we love as it is about 60% Indian and 2 of our dearest friends live just a short walk away. And just across the hall, God has given us the opportunity to pour into a family from Andhra Pradesh. The Matron of the family often comes over and shares a few laughs with Cody and I - literally, just laughs, as she doesn't know English and we don't know Kannada - but it is such a blessing! Our first meeting consisted of her reaching out and holding onto my cross necklace as she reached for her necklace to show me the cross (crucifix really) in the mix of all the other "gods" she had been proudly wearing. By this, I knew, she was a practicing Hindu. It's almost everyday that we have some sort of interaction and I am waiting on the day that I can share the gospel with her - but as of now, all I can do is show love. God IS love. 

We have grown to love the community at the apartments - and this is only an act of God! 

At the end of November, we are looking at a BIG change. There are 2 options on the horizon and Cody and I are prayerfully seeking God's guidance in the revealing of his will in it. 

Option 1 is for Cody and I to serve as the "house hosts" for a community house that currently houses 3 men. Once we move in, Lord willing, we would be able to take in women as well. The house's main purpose is to serve missionaries with meals/rest while they are in the States on furlough as well as living in community with the other long-term house mates. 

Option 2 is for Cody and I to move about 2 hours north onto 20 acres with a goat farm for our community's not-for-profit. It would require an obvious change in our current occupations including the sustainable and successful running of a goat farm to produce income for us and the not-for-profit. 

Knowing that 1 of the 2 possible options listed here WILL become a reality in the near future, (Lord willing) makes me excited, yet nervous as the time draws nearer and the lens isn't any clearer. This is when I have to lean on God's timing. 

So lean I must.

love hurts.

love, ooey-gooey love. - welp let's nip this in the bud real quick... that's not what we're talking about here - so go put your mystery-centered chocolate candies back on the kitchen table and plop a seat in your most comfy 'thinking chair' with your bible close by.

in the midst of this anxiety-ridden, cornucopia called life, it's beyond necessary to be made aware of the world around us [im talking globally]. too often we get caught up in the tedious tasks and distractions of daily living; making the big picture become nothing but a blur in the background somewhere. the struggles of our neighbors aren't our reality unless they become tangible to us.

it blows my mind, the problem is either we throw around the word 'love' all too often [like every other platitude being tossed around like it's candy thrown from a passing parade], or it's never said and hardly shown.

sigh

personally, this is something that i try hard to encapsulate in the depths of my soul..

take this command: 

romans 12:15 - 'rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep'. 

this just seems humane. almost as if it should be the norm. it's deceptive in it's simplicity, making us think it's almost instinctual. I would say that the majority of humanity (at least in the western hemisphere) has such a difficult time relating to others in such a way - that the burden and/or joy is shared between those whom are aware of it. 

all too often, it's quite the opposite, if i buy a new house, you are more probable to slander my name in pure envy than you are to congratulate me - or if i fail at passing boards, you lean more towards your desire to poke fun behind my back. this sickens me.

my prayer for all, is that we become compassionate to the wants, needs, desires, joys, pains, dreams... of others - that we not become complacent when we run into 'the whiner' as they cry wolf for the umpteenth time, or that we allow ourselves to shed a marvelous tear for someone breaking free of a struggle, or celebrating a lifetime milestone... [where have we been, loving people]

LOVE HURTS                                                                    

Love hurts. have you heard this before? maybe from an old, disgruntled single parent? or a bachelor who has sworn off relationships? may i propose, however, that this is not just an elementary statement made by a juvinile minds.

Love DOES hurt, but here's how:

john 3:16 "for God so LOVED the world that He gave His ONLY SON [to be murdered for you] that whosoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but has everlasting life"

ouch. yea.. love hurts.

why does love hurt? becasue it's a SACRIFICE of all you have and all you are for someone who may not reciprocate.

1 john 3:16 "by this we know love,  that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

to pray for

In my reading of Matthew 5 tonight, I was captivated by characteristics of those whom God blesses. It's my hearts desire to be someone who glorifies God by who I am. So journey with me into the verses in the beginning of the chapter which highlight these traits:

poor in spirit
meek
humble
hunger and thirst for righteousness
merciful
pure in heart
peacemakers
persecuted for righteousness sake

he blesses you when people mock you, persecute you and lie about you for his name's sake.

grief. I can't tell you enough how NOT OFTEN I pray for these.

Well, maybe I do - on occasion. I can certainly remember a time or two praying for humility as well as a pure heart. I often do pray for a growing desire to want to know my Father better, but ask me how many times I've sincerely asked to be poor in Spirit! Not once.

God please mold me into someone who wholeheartedly seeks to become more like you - you blow my mind away by the things you say and what you've pointed out to me in this chapter. May I become all that blesses and glorifies you.

Another a-mazing tidbit that God so graciously revealed to me tonight in my reading was that Jesus came NOT to abolish/get rid of the law of Moses.

I have to brace myself for walking on eggshells here, but I so often fall into the safety net of believing that as Christ being the new covenant, that the old covenant is dead. gone. never existed. Whereas Christ says he didn't come to rid us of the law, but to accomplish it's purpose.

For example, the law says do not commit adultery but Christ says if you even lust over someone, you have committed adultery in your heart. Him coming, is not to make the law irrelevant, it's to point us to become more like Him in his fulfillment of the law. If our hearts are set on Christ, we, too, can reach for a righteous goal that we may not lust after, become angry at, judge, or curse someone.

We are FREED from being under the law and all of it's demands. It's Christ in us that allows us to fully abide in the law as we are meant to, because it's evident that we just can't muster up the will on our own!

Cheers!

social sensation

if you're one of the handful of people -and i'm being generous here- who follow my instagram account [alibartelmay - shameless plug] then you've probably caught on to what a craft nerd i am. my days off usually consist of a mixture of vegging out and crafting. my husband would refer to me as a productivity-holic.

in all honesty, my first go-to for 'off-day fun' is cleaning house, but when i get all lysoled-out [which is anywhere between 10-15 min after 'go-time'], i then resort to wreath-making, crocheting, painting, wood-transferring, sewing, blanket-making, candle-making, vinyl pressing, furniture re-upholstering... and baking (that's a craft too.. right?). and i place total and complete blame on pinterest [can i get an 'amen!']. okay, so maybe not complete blame, but 97.3% nonetheless.

with one look at pinterest, there's really no mystery as to how it has the ability to suck us in [for hours upon hours at times.. or is that just me? surely not] as women, our minds are going 1,763 miles a minute and we are constantly entertaining the thought of meals, home-improvements, crafts, clothing...etc. so to be able to go to one site and be bombarded by an endless page of all the above.. it seems like the perfect time suck [and you don't have to feel guilty because you're being productive...  right?]- i must admit, it's kind of hypnotizing. [sitting, starring at screen, mouth open, possible drool accumulating, when's the last time you blinked?] sound familiar? yea.. not to me either :x

with all this said, if you are anything like me, you have a love/hate relationship with most social media sites. don't get me wrong, i love love LOVE the morgasport of new ideas i get on sites like pinterest, or staying in touch with far-away friends and family via Facebook. however, i think it's safe to say that it all comes with a cost. and most of the time, jealousy/envy, resentment, slander and boastfulness rule the roost.

truthfully, where my love/hate relationship comes to a climax with social media sites is when i step back and look at how many of us have bought, made, or changed something about ourselves, our jobs, our food or how we live due to what we have seen on our news-feeds. i know i have! and i don't like that. not one bit. i want to live in a way that enables me to be me (freely) and to glorify Christ wholly.

i don't want to take what this fleeting culture has to say about my hair, my weight, my home, my relationships, my makeup, my meals... to heart and overlook the blessings i so abundantly have already. I want to look at all these aspects of my life through the lens of Christ and change only that which would bring me closer to a likeness of Him.

selah

According to multiple, totally credible (I'm sure) internet resources, the Hebrew word Selah (סֶלָה) is often used in the Bible in places that call you to "break" or "pause" and "ponder" on the preceding verse(s).

It's a word that has been on my heart now for a few years - and not just because I think it would be a darling baby girl name someday Selah Rae Bartelmay (nice little ring to it..eh?), but because I'm AWFUL at it. Resting/pausing that is.

For some reason - for me (let's just go ahead and blame the xx genes I have) - pausing, meditating, slowing down is an absolute discipline. One that I'm not good at. At all. Like ever. Never ever.

Not only am I a woman, but I am a full time Nurse (my middle name is "multi-tasker"), run a thriving eCommerce business out of my home (insert 2nd full time job) and try to balance the workload with social time with friends, small groups, prayer groups, and inner city volunteering... every week. God only knows what I'll do if I ever have children!

In a culture where it is encouraged to be caffeine-ridden, highly stimulated and ever-so entrepreneurial (as supported in an article titled "10 Ways to Become the Most Productive Person Around" found here), it is rather counter-intuitive to PAUSE, though we are called to.

“Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.                     Mark 6:31

"..they had no leisure even to eat"... this sounds like a bad day at work to me.


It used to be ("used to be" as in yesterday) that I would have many things on my mind and my hand in an exuberant number of duties that it would literally take every ounce of will power for me to stop. sit down. pause. And  to do it without looking at the clock, accomplishing things in my mind, or strategically coordinating each move to be as "efficient" as possible. And if/when I fail at this sorry attempt to slow down, I catch myself deceivingly believing that I've succeeded at a "time of relaxation" (ya know, because I wasn't doing anything "productive"), yet I had robbed myself of true rest.

It didn't take me long to realize that this way of thinking/living/working overflowed into other areas of my life, like sleeping (it can take my mind anywhere from 30 min-1 hr of laying down at night before it starts slowing - and NO I don't drink caffeine in the evenings, and I don't look at my phone in bed - I actually try to read in order to get my mind to S-T-O-P.

Most importantly, though, it affected my time in prayer.

About a year ago I started on a Bible-reading plan in which I told myself that I would read every morning, and spend some time in prayer as well. For me, prayer can be intimidating. On a regular basis, I am in constant communication with God... I'll talk to him on and off throughout the day. This is refreshing to me, but tell me to have undistributed, very focused, non-distracted time in prayer, and I clam up! It's almost like I sit down and think now what?!

I would sit down and start praying, all the while, though my lips were uttering praises, my mind was thinking did I put the laundry away last night, what's that smell, did Cody forget the garbage this morning, what about the dishes... I turn into COMPLETE "Martha Mode" while at the feet of Jesus.

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”   Luke 10:38

After realizing this, the Spirit put a conviction on my heart that I was putting on the back-burner something that needed to be front and center. This demanded change.

Thankfully, God has grown me SO much in this area. I found out that, for me, when I get up in the morning, I need to get ready for the day, take the dogs out, clean any dishes in the sink, take clothes out of the washer/dryer (which in total only takes about 20 min), and THEN I can make my tea, sit down, pray, and read the Word without my mind running away from me.

It took a LOT of discipline in the beginning, then it became a habit... and now, it's an anticipated necessity.

ahhhh.... selah

..and if not, He is still good

is it just me... or has your prayer list seemingly doubled in the last month?

in times of uncertainty and trial - seek [and find] Him.

i am overwhelmed by the testing of saints going on around me. and then i am reminded [ever so gently] of just the beginning verse of God's response to job's questioning of his trials in chapter 38.

"who is this that obscures my plans    with words without knowledge?" job 38:2

and it brings me to the stark realization that the overwhelming anxiety, frustration, guilt, sadness, helplessness and fear that i have for these friends of mine comes not from God but from the hordes of hell. and they will not prevail - you can quote me on this.

i don't know if it's because i have this sense of peace and comfort when i think about God and the omniscient knowledge He has of what is good for us that keeps me sane or if it's my 'spiritual gift' of faith that is bursting through the seems of my self.. but all i know is that i can utilize this truth and be an encouragement to my dear friends.

i wish, oh i wish, the trials that i am watching my friends/former friends walk through were those of seasonal peaks and valleys [a car that got totaled, a job that was lost...]  - but that the diagnosis of cancer, lyme's disease (while pregnant), multiple sclerosis, drug addiction, gang rape and death weren't the reality of these friends.

may i be reminded, lest i worry - that most of these trials are in the lives of believers. and this encourages me.

"...by testing you may discern what is the will of God..." romans 12:2

but for those few who's fruit does not suggest a life entrusted to Christ - pray. pray that these trials are ways that God is unveiling their eyes to the truth of His love, His sovereignty and His peace.

when all else fails

when you have a day off and you realize...

• the family finances haven't been looked at  - since last year. [give me a break.. we're only 6 days in]
• the bills need paid.. and the internet only works while you are sitting on the couch by the window. so much for my 'office'

• the laundry is probably moldy because you forgot to put the clothes in the dryer last night before bed.
• the random 'spur of the moment' online purchases you just received...  need returned. what was i thinking?
• the dogs need fed and taken out - and the vet is sending 'we miss you' cards because they haven't been... in "a while" 
• the car needs an oil change - but doesn't have the gas to get there. 
• the blog you swore you would publish more entries on - hasn't been updated in 6 mos. 
• the etsy store you opened has a pile of new items that need uploaded [pile - more the likes of mt. everest than the resilient red ant hill outside] 
  
  
  
• the daily thyroid meds you're supposed to take - have been sitting at the pharmacy.. for 3 days
• the toothache you have may suggest a trip to the dentist - soon. 
• the house needs vacuumed - bad. i thought dogs aren't supposed to shed this much in winter?!
• the counters where the awesome, sweet, kind, loving, handsome hubby of mine cut up deer last night... were never wiped off - and the paper towels you open to clean it off with have some type of larvae on them.
  

surely my day isn't completely unlike yours?! *hats off to those who have kids! we'll add "keeping people alive" to your list. 

breathe. i remind myself that i am NOT ALLOWED to do anything without first spending some sweet time in the Word. this should be good, i'll get a hot drink to sip as I have my tea time with God. this, mind you, is my favorite time of the day. <3

the kettle is on. the water is poured. the tea, cardamom, cinnamon and pepper are steeping. a splash of milk and we are good to go... and we are OUT OF MILK.

plan B. coffee. easy. the hubster seriously wrote the saying 'all i need in the morning is Jesus and coffee'. pouring the coffee. heading to the fridge for the creamer. GONE. of course.

plan C. back to tea. the one i've let steep now for 8 minutes [should only steep for about 4 min for all you non-tea drinkers <- shame on you]. sip. cringe. yep - that'll send my heart into palpitating in no time. perfect.

we're going with it.

I find my seat - nestled in the corner section of the sectional. back resting against the fluffy pillows, feet kicked up, phone turned off [well, on vibrate - and laid on a surface that won't sound like an earthquake if someone texts]. breathe.  and i'm there. right where i need to be to enjoy the time in His presence.

but my mind - it's back up there... ya know, where all the things on the 'to do list' live.

for.the.love. 

God. i need you. i need your peace. i need your guidance. please help me not be so distracted by these things. help me be still!

and so it was - now that i'm writing and i'm faithful at keeping myself accountable [73% of the time], you ought to correctly assume that i have had my time in the Word this morning. hallelujah! and you know what... all that stuff above - it's just, ya know.. STUFF. i've given the burden and pressure of getting it all done today over to God.

well - i'm off to have lunch with a couple good friends... ya know, the IMPORTANT things in this life.

Have a stressed BLESSED day! Cheers!

flesh vs. faith

in a conversation with mama recently [anyone else have to talk to mama on a daily basis], i was discussing the pressures that this western culture has on a mid 20's wife like your's truly.

among the pressures of starting a family now that we're married, pursuing the stay at home wife/mom life, or living in a small town where it's much more ideallic to raise a family, the most obvious pressure [personally], is buying a house. this may sound utterly ridiculous as the pressures you feel may be polar opposites, but stick with me here...

i am in my mid 20's, been married over a year, and what do i have to 'show' for it? a 3rd floor apartment on a major highway on the out-skirts of a major city. oh, and 2 dogs. i'm at the point where i sit back and say 'God, if i die and find out you don't exist... i've literally wasted a life.'

here's what i mean... cody and i aren't [by any means] wealthy [as far as western culture would say], however, we have the means [and the desire at times] to live comfortably, by some land, build a house, raise a family (especially while in the midst of living in the richest zip code in beautiful alabama, surrounded by intense - and utterly ridiculous large homes) - but here's the catch - how do we justify it?

trust me, i've tried, many many times to justify the american dream as i revisit the thought of buying land in my mind.. but i just can't do it. i can't. the goal for us is to be completely (100%) debt free in order to be able to go over seas as missionaries in a moment's notice. the blank check is on the table.

cody and i both have the strong conviction of reaching the unreached with the good news of Christ and how do we accomplish this without 1st denying that which our culture says is necessary for a comfortable life?

my flesh so desires to be close [geographically] to family... to live in a big house on lots of land, raising lots of animals and lots of children ;) but my soul desires the glory of God more. period. and the battle between flesh and soul can be tearfully nagging at times. it's at this point that i realize either i'm all in or i am just another cultural Christian who only claims the holy name of God in the confines of a warm and fuzzy environment. and if i'm all in, there's no turning back.

my flesh desires the american dream.... 

but my souls desires God more.

either there's a God... or there's not. there are ONLY 2 SCENARIOS:

THERE'S NO GOD
1) i'm a cultural Christian. i live in a nice house, with a nice family, in a nice area, leaving a nice legacy. when i die, i no longer exist, but i've enjoyed life, was moral, left a family with values...
2) i'm a Christian. i may never own a house. i may be called to live in diesease and poverty stricken areas. i travel about, possibly risking my life and that of my family's, telling people of a God that doesn't exist. when i die, i've wasted a life. the only one i'll ever have.
3) i'm not a Christian. i live how i want. i die and no longer exist.

 THERE'S A GOD
1) i'm a cultural Christian. i live in a nice house, with a nice family, in a nice area, leaving a nice legacy. when i die, i answer to God regarding what i've done with my life to glorify Him. will He see that i loved Him more than myself?
2) i'm a Christian. i may never own a house. i may be called to live in diesease and poverty stricken areas. i travel about, possibly risking my life and that of my family's, telling people of a God that exists and when i die, i hear 'welcome good and faithful servant!' from the lips of my God!
3) i'm not a Christian. i live how i want. i'm damned for an eternity in hell.

i would classify most americans as a number 1. those who have fallen face-first into what deuteronomy 6 warns about. people who are satisfied and FULL off things God has blessed them with that they no longer have a need for God.

And when the LORD your God brings you into the land... with great and good cities that you did not build, and houses full of all good things that you did not fill, and cisterns that you did not dig, and vineyards and olive trees that you did not plant—and when you eat and are full, then take care lest you forget the LORD.... It is the LORD your God you shall fear...  for the LORD your God in your midst is a jealous God—lest the anger of the LORD your God be kindled against you, and he destroy you from off the face of the earth... You shall not put the LORD your God to the test... you shall do what is right and good in the sight of the LORD...

when you consider yourself a number 2 in either of these scenarios (as i do)... there's really no choice here. you are BANKING YOUR WHOLE LIFE on the fact that THERE IS A GOD and you live accordingly.

you've heard it before and will (most-assuredly) again:

i'd rather live like there is a God and find out that there's not, than to live like there's not one and find out that there is. 

psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength,a very present help in trouble. [psalm 46:1]

for whatever reason, God has deemed this season of my marriage as a growing one. and through the encouragment i have in close, godly frienships/mentorships, i am learning where to find purpose and strength through times of heartache and mis-steps. [i must pause here and state that i am immensely thankful for the community God has so graciously provided cody and i!]

in the christian life, a time of trial is bitter-sweet (biblically more sweet than bitter), as christians we know that God utilizes the struggles in our lives to point out and refine areas of weakness/lack of faith - we call this 'sanctification'. we know that being broken reminds us of our need for a Savior, that being humbled makes us more like Christ. and yet, at times, i can't help but want to unleash the human in me and go back in time to punch eve in the face for tasting that forbidden fruit. sigh.

most recently, i've found that an urgency to read and meditate on the Word comes all too often between the hours of 1am and 2am. [how i am going to manage this when i start working dayshift next week is beyond me] ;) i don't know what it is about curling up on the couch in the dead of night, most assuredly with tears in my eyes, a heavy heart, an open bible, a pen and paper nearby -that just satisfies the soul!

as i read the journal entries and prayers i've written in the last few days, it's clear that my heart is troubled. it's clear that the miscommunication, misinformation, mis-steps and mis-haps have taken their toll on me. it's clear that i'm stressed and anxious to the max. therefore, it's clear... that i'm not right with God - i'm not trusting His sovereignty.

trials and marriage. wow. i wish i could be an open book for all to see the shortcomings in cody and i, however, i believe, in respect of our marriage, and for both of our sakes - i ought not to air our dirty laundry. however, i will say this... perserverance has a new meaning to us. it's one thing to stand up on your wedding day with all the hopes and dreams in the world for your new life, and mutter the words 'for better or for worse' and not completely comprehend the weight of that covenant - it's another to feel crushed, broken, tramlped on... and still have the love to want to serve the one who has just thrown your heart, chained to a cinder block, into the deep. it is all too easy, when you feel wronged, to have the attitude of retaliation. however, Christ didn't take this same outlook. instead, Christ died and served those who hated him.

now, now, now... before you go judging the man i call husband [or myself, for that matter] - i want to be clear... cody is an amazing husband! he is one of the most God-fearing men i know! he models for me what it means to be patient and is an excellent communicator and hard worker. he has the drive to provide for our small family - and he does so sucessfully. the only thing i can really complain about with him... is that he's human. and so am i. oh, yes... and so are you. ;)

in times and seasons such as these, how does the application of psalm 46:1 play out? let me show you.. when you are helpless, seek Him - when you are troubled, seek Him - when you are hurt, seek Him - when you feel betrayed, seek Him - when you are weak, seek Him - and when you are hopeful, joyful, whole and strong... seek Him. PRAY PRAY PRAY beloved. pray.

old became new

tes·ti·mo·ny •evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something.

growing up in a church, going to a private school, being an active member in youth group, and having an unwavering, God-fearing mother.. were collectively wonderful things that lead to my, now much more mature [yet, undeniably still elementary], foundation in my faith in Jesus as Christ. though when i hear others' testimonies, i tend to covet those who have had mind-blowing 180º turns [kinda like my hubby].. while i sit there and shy away from telling people my 'boring' testimony of

well.. i grew up in a church, never really strayed, always knew i needed Christ and here i am

lately i've been convicted to authentically self-examine and reflect on a testimony that seems rather superficial [if i do say so myself]. in the beginning of this evaluation, i told myself that even though i cannot conjure up pivotal supernatural events such as habitual drug use gone sober - or visions of Christ in vivid dreams, i needed to be transparent with myself [which, seemingly is a VERY challenging thing to do] and take a good look at, not only what Christ has delivered me from, but give praise to what He has also kept me from.

with a testimony that is supposedly void of these truly miraculous happenings that 'ought' to have been present with the change from old -> new, it is ridiculously [and shamefully] easy to down-play and over-look the glory that is due God.

to no surprise of mine, i would say that this plays into my BIGGEST struggle that i continuously need to surrender to the power of Christ.. which is pride... MY pride in a false reassurance that i am a forever faithful, non-wavering servant of Christ. what a crock!






even the most basic of the law calls me an idol worshiping, selfish, dishonorable, adulterous, jealous, murderer and liar. [exodus 20:2-17]
i SO desire the evidence of change... i guess, for me... it was slow - it was something i grew into [and am STILL growing into] - there is no 'one moment' that i can rant about that would make this any more interesting... i just was... and now i am.


JUSTIFICATION
in a nutshell
once upon a time, at vacation bible school (VBS) in 1994 [at age 7], i raised my hand to be 'saved'.. to this day, i use this as my 'day of salvation'... though, i'm about certain that i had no flipping clue what that really meant for me - all i knew... is that i would get one of those cool little Bibles [ya know... the cute new testament pocket-sized ones with psalms and proverbs]. like i mentioned previously, i grew up in church... so stating that i was a sinner and that Jesus died for my sins was as simple and route as stating the alphabet or 2+2=4... it just...was. ingrained.

as i got a bit older, i may read my bible here and there, listen to some christian jams, hang out with church friends... but i still am not convinced that i knew the weight of being a disciple of Christ.

does this mean i wasn't saved? not necessarily... however... there was just NO REAL CHANGE. i spoke to my parent's disrespectfully, thought of myself as important, cared way too much about what boys thought of me, & loved to show off my louis vuitton, fendi, prada, dooney & burke, coach, MAC, juicy couture, bebe, tiffany, chanel... i got SUCKERED into the oohs & ahhs of this culture. this dreadful pop culture.

speaking of this culture...
[stepping up onto my soap box for a quick min]
may i propose that satan has successfully fooled many 'christians' into believing they are saved due to an isle they walked down, a prayer they prayed, or a hand they raised... yet have produced no fruit.. oh the wolf in sheeps clothing, for i cannot wait for the day that he dreadfully burns in hell for all eternity.
if there is 'salvation' without change... is it possible there is NO SALVATION
[off the soap box now]

this is unbelievably convicting to me... all those people i ran in circles with in high school... college... previous work places.. and i can about lay my life down on the fact that they couldn't tell a difference between me and the next 'miss thang'. so i ask myself... why this conviction now? why not this strong conviction then? deep down [whatever that means], i knew.. just KNEW that i was different... that i was set apart.

SANCTIFICATION

i tell you the truth...

• there HAS been true/hard/heartbreaking/joyful sanctification within my relationship with Christ. i may have been justified in the eyes of God by the sacrifice of His Son a long, long time ago [can i get an AMEN?!].. but until i am glorified in the presence of God - there's still much to be learned here.
• i HAVE stumbled my way through the murky water, relying on myself, only to be caught in the abyss of the darkness of this world.
•  i have been the likes of peter in his denial, thomas in his doubting... judas in his betraying.

...and this is the most BEAUTIFUL thing. for without this... i have NO story. without this, i have NO change or growth in Him... without my failures, i am in need of NO savior.
through this, God has changed doubt to confidence and shame to joy!

an old, self-promoting, self-gratifying, slave to sin...

                                             

became a new, self-sacrificing, people-loving, servant of God

may i shout it from the mountaintops... 

i am NEW by NOTHING, BUT THE BLOOD OF JESUS!

count your blessings, name them one by one

if there is one thing you should be certain of throughout your life on this earth.... it's that God is faithful. with our move creeping up [what is it? a mere 14 days away?]. it's easy to be side-tracked and distracted by all the doubt that we self-talk our way into. cody and i have always [well... since 2012] said we felt led to take root in AL - and since that decision was made, we've had many a doubt as to whether or not we 'still' feel led.. if you are anything like me, this makes no sense! it's not like God has this plan for our lives and at any whim, He changes His mind as to say, 'ehh... I think I'll just utilize them here instead'. here's my proposition [so take it for what it's worth] - i propose that God's will and plan for our lives stays the same, and it is our desire to seek God's will for ourselves that leads us closer to fulfilling His will [which He has already told us, is to bring us joy and hope for the future]!!

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." jeremiah 29:11

as mr. darling writes about God's will, he mentions that most:

act as if God’s will is some sort of vague, hazy thing. A vapor that can’t be grasped. It’s almost as if they want God’s Will, but don’t ever think they’ll have a shot at actually finding it.

let's rationalize for a second... is God a God confusion? does He lead astray His own sheep? is He a God who thrives on our anxiety and want us to blindly scatter about just hoping we end up where He wants us? obviously not with that being said, where have these doubts that cody & i have been experiencing come into play in the big picture of our faith? well, for starters, we heard the call and felt the conviction to GO much stronger, louder and clearer when we were faithfully in His Word. when we were ACTIVELY SEEKING Him. this is all not to say that we aren't currently doing this - however, it is safe to say we've become much more complacent than we'd like to be [which is easily, yet wrongfully justifiable concerning the amount of 'stress' we are under as of late]. so there's issue numero uno:

if you feel far away from God... who do you think moved?

therefore, in order for us to make rational decisions as it pertains to us, God, and His will for our lives, we must open up the stage for Him to speak... and then... we must listen, and most importantly FOLLOW. so what does God's voice sound like?

from what we have experienced thus far... here are some 'tips' and 'tell-tale' signs you are in God's will [or at least headed in the right direction]:

be IN the Word - if you don't do your part in actively seeking God and His desires for your life, you WILL hinder your oppurtunity to hear Him more clearly if someone in the faith affirms that you are to do what you feel called to do [cody and i affirm eachother on this, as well as our pastor - though he hates to see us leave ;) ]

if you are under attack by satan and his hords more feverently [i can tell you many stories regarding this - one of my personal experiences being after an amazing 3 month african mission trip when i had a new-found joy in the person of Christ...and in return i got malaria, lost my job and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me all within my 1st week home]

if you begin to see God's provision - where have we not?! after reading in matthew 6 about all the things we shouldn't be concerned about, cody and i felt convicted to just pick up and head south without having jobs - this is HUGE and takes a TON of faith [not as much as i'm sure abraham had to have to take his son, isaac up on a hill with the thought of sacrificing him to God] - though i had applied to 1 hospital a few months ago, i decided not to actively look anymore... that we would just take a trip down, find a place to live, sign some papers and be on our way. GOD HAD OTHER PLANS. it's almost as if He wanted me to get to that place of total reliance on Him [which He loves, by the way], and out of nowhere, i received a phone call from the hospital from 2 months prior on the day before going to alabama to look for a place to live... i couldn't believe it! they wanted an interview! here we are.. 3 weeks later, and i have a job lined up down south, we have a place to live and do you want to see God's provision REALLY at work? i'm taking a pay cut with this new job... a 12.28% pay cut to be exact... and the cost of living in good 'ol alabama... exactley 12.28% lower than where we currently live. God's evident provision. [there is honestly so much more, but for the sake of your time, we'll leave it at that] you're welcome ;)

if it brings God the glory - what better way to bring God glory than to move to alabama?! right??? let me explain... cody is a country boy... a hunting, cool weather, open spaces, camo covered, country boy. he's always lived in the mid west and all of his friends and close family are here... so how would moving to alaska sound? [i pick alaska, only because that's where we thought we would be moving - great hunting out there!] - moving to alaska to us sounded like a great plan, out in the middle of nowhere, perfect scenery, not too many people, slower pace of life, away from the city, awesome wild game for cody to hunt his heart out... however, where is the self-denial in that? where's the sacrifice? YES God's plan for our lives is to give us joy.. but that's not saying He will give us the desires of our hearts, it's more or less the concept of us seeking God more readily, which would conclude in wherever He leads being the new-found desire of our hearts.

get it?? ehhh... if not, keep tuned to see what God has in store for us ;) we will see it unfold together !

embark

turning the pages of life seem to bring out anxiety, excitement, and a bit of adventuresome-ness... at least for me [especially here in the recent days]

it seems as if my bucket-list grows 3-5 tasks each week, and im fairly enthused that i will be able to cross off some major ones in the next few weeks/months [wedding, israel, moving...].

with all the 'new and exciting' changes taking place so suddenly for cody and i, it's a concious effort to remind ourselves that this life, though abundant at times with joy and blessings, is but a mere vapor.. fleeting as we know it. it's all too easy to get caught up in the loud noises, flashing lights, and big stages of this life and to forget our purpose.

if there's one thing that is an absolute turn off... it's contentment... even wo

rse, stagnation. when our lives become consumed with the flames of tedious 9-5's, social networking, coffee shop dates with acquaintances and reality television, we not only forget our purpose, but we tend to push it so far away that even if we try to seek it at a later time, it is so skewed from all the distraction that it is almost [if not completely] unrecognizable... and, in turn... seemingly unattainable.

we have all been made aware of how disappointing this life can be. how lonely, how cruel and how selfish. though the last 10 months have been a whirlwind of wedding propoganda and planning, there's something special about self-discipline and motivation to keep my relationship with God my number 1 priority. God called me His Bride before Cody ever thought to ask!

 i must remain faithful to the One who has always been and will always be faithful to me. I must let all know -  that above all else - ... is God.

if cody and i were to embrace this path that God has set before us with the intent of feeling warm and fuzzy on the inside, then we have got our priorities twisted, and it's my prayer that if this ever be the case, that God smack us into shape - however and with whatever He deems fit in order to ultimately and undeniably bring glory to Him.

now, you don't have to be 5 days out from a wedding, 2 weeks out from going to Jerusalem, or 3 months out from moving 4 states away in order to be renewed by the knowledge that each day is not only given to you with new mercies, but with new adventures, new trials, new joys and new oppurtunites, that may, infact, be God's call for you.... to EMBARK.

feet of clay

'prone to wonder, Lord i feel it... prone to leave the God I love. here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy throne above' [excerpt from one of my favorite hymns 'come thou fount of every blessing']

here's a little authenticity and transparency for you... one of my biggest [actually, i'd bet it is THE biggest] recurring weakness of mine... is my temper. and unfortunately, it shows it's nasty head to those closest to me... my family, and worse... my soon to be husband!

-shameful-

conflict doesn't build character... it reveals it!

since i feel i am pretty self-aware, i have pondered the core of what it is that makes my temper flare the way it does at times. from a secular-type wisdom, i can come to the conclusion that the main issue stems from pride... pride in the fact that i have specific expectations - and when they aren't met, people know. sounds pretty logical.. right?

if i delve deeper into it, in fact... if i search the Bible and see what it says regarding temper, i become enlightened!

first thing's first

you have to go to the foundation of it... how am i, as a woman, made and what are my tendencies?
in Genesis 3:16, [after adam and eve sinned], God indicts and convicts both adam and eve, giving them sentences that will affect all the men and women in the following generations. to eve, God says 'and though you will have a desire for your husband, he will rule over you'... the words desire for in this passage actually translates more so to 'control'... some translations actually state the verse this way 'and you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you'.

alright... so at this point i begin to realize that this problem is foundational.. it literally is a CURSE! i have a desire to control, which leads to having expectations, which lead to the possibility of those expectations not being met... which opens the door for my temper to shine. [no good charlie brown].

typically i am able to combat my frustrations if i actually take the two seconds to realize this fact, and release the grips on the reigns for a little bit. but when i fail to do this, my temper shows. and if im not quick to pick up on this, it's possible that it will be hours [yes... hours] of lashing out on my nearest victim.

*disclaimer: okay, im kinda making myself out to be one of those fire-breathing dragons you hear about in fairy-tales, but i assure you that i am not always like this... the scenarios i'm giving are when im at my absolute worst. and the following is what i do to debrief and try and make sure it doesn't happen again...

seek wisdom and insight

after i 'blow-up' at someone over something so trivial and minute [something i most assuredly wouldn't sacrifice a relationship over], i run through these bible verses to help reiterate the importance of self-control/forgiveness/grace... after all, i have been given much more grace than i could EVER make up for, so who am i to be so unforgiving and hot-tempered when i feel wronged?

'love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.' proverbs 17:9

               controlling your tongue
               proverbs 4:24 'avoid all perverse talk; stay away from corrupt speech'
               proverbs 10:19 'too much talk leads to sin. be sensible and keep your mouth shut.'
               proverbs 15:28 'the heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the
                                      wicked overflows with evil words.'
               proverbs 16:32 'better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer
                                     a city.'
               proverbs 18:21 'the tongue can bring death and life; those who love to talk will reap with the
                                     consequences.'
               proverbs 20:3 'avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.'
               proverbs 21:23 'watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of
                                      trouble.'
               proverbs 26:20 'fire goes out without wood, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.'

               tempers flare
               psalms 4:4 'don't sin by letting anger control you. think about it overnight and remain silent.'
               proverbs 12:16 'a fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted.'
               proverbs 13:3 'those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can    
                                    ruin everything.'
               proverbs 14:17 'short-tempered people do foolish thing, and schemers are hated.'
               proverbs 14:29 'people with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great
                                     foolishness.'
               proverbs 15:1 'a gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.'
               proverbs 15:18 'a hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them.'
               proverbs 17:27 'a truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-
                                      tempered.'
               proverbs 18:13: 'spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.'
               proverbs 19:11 'sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking
                                      wrongs.'
               proverbs 21:9 'it's better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife
                                    in a lovely home.'
               proverbs 21:19 'it's better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining
                                      wife.'
               proverbs 22:24&25 'don't befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or
                                     you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.'
               proverbs 25:24 'it's better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife
                                     in a lovely home.' [the fact that this is repeated... over... and over... kinda
                                     makes me think i'm not the only one who struggles with this ;) ]
               proverbs 26:21 'a quarrelsome person starts fights as easily as hot embers light charcoal or
                                     fire lights wood.'
               proverbs 27:15&16 'a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.
                                            stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold
                                            something with greased hands.'
               proverbs 29:11 'fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.'
               proverbs 29:22 'an angry person starts fights; a hot-tempered person commits all kinds of
                                      sin.'
               ecclesiastes 7:9 'control your temper, for anger labels you a fool.'

not easily overcome

i don't know if you are as discouraged as i am about seeing how much the bible actually does talk out against fools like me who are hot-tempered at times :(
hmm... where is there hope?! when i end up face to face with this weakness [mostly after i have failed to utilize my internal 'filter'] i am so humiliated before my God. honestly, who am i to act so haughty that i speak condescendingly to those around me [who, in all truthfulness, are much more wise than i for having control over their tongues?!] oh i frustrate myself to the fullest sometimes... and it's at these times... [you know... where you're so disgusted you can't even bring yourself to look up when in front of a mirror].. yes, it's at these times that i fall flat on my face in front of God's throne and weep.

and if you ever want a renewal of your soul... that's exactly where you should be.

'may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer' psalm 19:14