old became new

tes·ti·mo·ny •evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something.

growing up in a church, going to a private school, being an active member in youth group, and having an unwavering, God-fearing mother.. were collectively wonderful things that lead to my, now much more mature [yet, undeniably still elementary], foundation in my faith in Jesus as Christ. though when i hear others' testimonies, i tend to covet those who have had mind-blowing 180º turns [kinda like my hubby].. while i sit there and shy away from telling people my 'boring' testimony of

well.. i grew up in a church, never really strayed, always knew i needed Christ and here i am

lately i've been convicted to authentically self-examine and reflect on a testimony that seems rather superficial [if i do say so myself]. in the beginning of this evaluation, i told myself that even though i cannot conjure up pivotal supernatural events such as habitual drug use gone sober - or visions of Christ in vivid dreams, i needed to be transparent with myself [which, seemingly is a VERY challenging thing to do] and take a good look at, not only what Christ has delivered me from, but give praise to what He has also kept me from.

with a testimony that is supposedly void of these truly miraculous happenings that 'ought' to have been present with the change from old -> new, it is ridiculously [and shamefully] easy to down-play and over-look the glory that is due God.

to no surprise of mine, i would say that this plays into my BIGGEST struggle that i continuously need to surrender to the power of Christ.. which is pride... MY pride in a false reassurance that i am a forever faithful, non-wavering servant of Christ. what a crock!






even the most basic of the law calls me an idol worshiping, selfish, dishonorable, adulterous, jealous, murderer and liar. [exodus 20:2-17]
i SO desire the evidence of change... i guess, for me... it was slow - it was something i grew into [and am STILL growing into] - there is no 'one moment' that i can rant about that would make this any more interesting... i just was... and now i am.


JUSTIFICATION
in a nutshell
once upon a time, at vacation bible school (VBS) in 1994 [at age 7], i raised my hand to be 'saved'.. to this day, i use this as my 'day of salvation'... though, i'm about certain that i had no flipping clue what that really meant for me - all i knew... is that i would get one of those cool little Bibles [ya know... the cute new testament pocket-sized ones with psalms and proverbs]. like i mentioned previously, i grew up in church... so stating that i was a sinner and that Jesus died for my sins was as simple and route as stating the alphabet or 2+2=4... it just...was. ingrained.

as i got a bit older, i may read my bible here and there, listen to some christian jams, hang out with church friends... but i still am not convinced that i knew the weight of being a disciple of Christ.

does this mean i wasn't saved? not necessarily... however... there was just NO REAL CHANGE. i spoke to my parent's disrespectfully, thought of myself as important, cared way too much about what boys thought of me, & loved to show off my louis vuitton, fendi, prada, dooney & burke, coach, MAC, juicy couture, bebe, tiffany, chanel... i got SUCKERED into the oohs & ahhs of this culture. this dreadful pop culture.

speaking of this culture...
[stepping up onto my soap box for a quick min]
may i propose that satan has successfully fooled many 'christians' into believing they are saved due to an isle they walked down, a prayer they prayed, or a hand they raised... yet have produced no fruit.. oh the wolf in sheeps clothing, for i cannot wait for the day that he dreadfully burns in hell for all eternity.
if there is 'salvation' without change... is it possible there is NO SALVATION
[off the soap box now]

this is unbelievably convicting to me... all those people i ran in circles with in high school... college... previous work places.. and i can about lay my life down on the fact that they couldn't tell a difference between me and the next 'miss thang'. so i ask myself... why this conviction now? why not this strong conviction then? deep down [whatever that means], i knew.. just KNEW that i was different... that i was set apart.

SANCTIFICATION

i tell you the truth...

• there HAS been true/hard/heartbreaking/joyful sanctification within my relationship with Christ. i may have been justified in the eyes of God by the sacrifice of His Son a long, long time ago [can i get an AMEN?!].. but until i am glorified in the presence of God - there's still much to be learned here.
• i HAVE stumbled my way through the murky water, relying on myself, only to be caught in the abyss of the darkness of this world.
•  i have been the likes of peter in his denial, thomas in his doubting... judas in his betraying.

...and this is the most BEAUTIFUL thing. for without this... i have NO story. without this, i have NO change or growth in Him... without my failures, i am in need of NO savior.
through this, God has changed doubt to confidence and shame to joy!

an old, self-promoting, self-gratifying, slave to sin...

                                             

became a new, self-sacrificing, people-loving, servant of God

may i shout it from the mountaintops... 

i am NEW by NOTHING, BUT THE BLOOD OF JESUS!