embark

turning the pages of life seem to bring out anxiety, excitement, and a bit of adventuresome-ness... at least for me [especially here in the recent days]

it seems as if my bucket-list grows 3-5 tasks each week, and im fairly enthused that i will be able to cross off some major ones in the next few weeks/months [wedding, israel, moving...].

with all the 'new and exciting' changes taking place so suddenly for cody and i, it's a concious effort to remind ourselves that this life, though abundant at times with joy and blessings, is but a mere vapor.. fleeting as we know it. it's all too easy to get caught up in the loud noises, flashing lights, and big stages of this life and to forget our purpose.

if there's one thing that is an absolute turn off... it's contentment... even wo

rse, stagnation. when our lives become consumed with the flames of tedious 9-5's, social networking, coffee shop dates with acquaintances and reality television, we not only forget our purpose, but we tend to push it so far away that even if we try to seek it at a later time, it is so skewed from all the distraction that it is almost [if not completely] unrecognizable... and, in turn... seemingly unattainable.

we have all been made aware of how disappointing this life can be. how lonely, how cruel and how selfish. though the last 10 months have been a whirlwind of wedding propoganda and planning, there's something special about self-discipline and motivation to keep my relationship with God my number 1 priority. God called me His Bride before Cody ever thought to ask!

 i must remain faithful to the One who has always been and will always be faithful to me. I must let all know -  that above all else - ... is God.

if cody and i were to embrace this path that God has set before us with the intent of feeling warm and fuzzy on the inside, then we have got our priorities twisted, and it's my prayer that if this ever be the case, that God smack us into shape - however and with whatever He deems fit in order to ultimately and undeniably bring glory to Him.

now, you don't have to be 5 days out from a wedding, 2 weeks out from going to Jerusalem, or 3 months out from moving 4 states away in order to be renewed by the knowledge that each day is not only given to you with new mercies, but with new adventures, new trials, new joys and new oppurtunites, that may, infact, be God's call for you.... to EMBARK.

feet of clay

'prone to wonder, Lord i feel it... prone to leave the God I love. here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy throne above' [excerpt from one of my favorite hymns 'come thou fount of every blessing']

here's a little authenticity and transparency for you... one of my biggest [actually, i'd bet it is THE biggest] recurring weakness of mine... is my temper. and unfortunately, it shows it's nasty head to those closest to me... my family, and worse... my soon to be husband!

-shameful-

conflict doesn't build character... it reveals it!

since i feel i am pretty self-aware, i have pondered the core of what it is that makes my temper flare the way it does at times. from a secular-type wisdom, i can come to the conclusion that the main issue stems from pride... pride in the fact that i have specific expectations - and when they aren't met, people know. sounds pretty logical.. right?

if i delve deeper into it, in fact... if i search the Bible and see what it says regarding temper, i become enlightened!

first thing's first

you have to go to the foundation of it... how am i, as a woman, made and what are my tendencies?
in Genesis 3:16, [after adam and eve sinned], God indicts and convicts both adam and eve, giving them sentences that will affect all the men and women in the following generations. to eve, God says 'and though you will have a desire for your husband, he will rule over you'... the words desire for in this passage actually translates more so to 'control'... some translations actually state the verse this way 'and you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you'.

alright... so at this point i begin to realize that this problem is foundational.. it literally is a CURSE! i have a desire to control, which leads to having expectations, which lead to the possibility of those expectations not being met... which opens the door for my temper to shine. [no good charlie brown].

typically i am able to combat my frustrations if i actually take the two seconds to realize this fact, and release the grips on the reigns for a little bit. but when i fail to do this, my temper shows. and if im not quick to pick up on this, it's possible that it will be hours [yes... hours] of lashing out on my nearest victim.

*disclaimer: okay, im kinda making myself out to be one of those fire-breathing dragons you hear about in fairy-tales, but i assure you that i am not always like this... the scenarios i'm giving are when im at my absolute worst. and the following is what i do to debrief and try and make sure it doesn't happen again...

seek wisdom and insight

after i 'blow-up' at someone over something so trivial and minute [something i most assuredly wouldn't sacrifice a relationship over], i run through these bible verses to help reiterate the importance of self-control/forgiveness/grace... after all, i have been given much more grace than i could EVER make up for, so who am i to be so unforgiving and hot-tempered when i feel wronged?

'love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.' proverbs 17:9

               controlling your tongue
               proverbs 4:24 'avoid all perverse talk; stay away from corrupt speech'
               proverbs 10:19 'too much talk leads to sin. be sensible and keep your mouth shut.'
               proverbs 15:28 'the heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the
                                      wicked overflows with evil words.'
               proverbs 16:32 'better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer
                                     a city.'
               proverbs 18:21 'the tongue can bring death and life; those who love to talk will reap with the
                                     consequences.'
               proverbs 20:3 'avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.'
               proverbs 21:23 'watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of
                                      trouble.'
               proverbs 26:20 'fire goes out without wood, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.'

               tempers flare
               psalms 4:4 'don't sin by letting anger control you. think about it overnight and remain silent.'
               proverbs 12:16 'a fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted.'
               proverbs 13:3 'those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can    
                                    ruin everything.'
               proverbs 14:17 'short-tempered people do foolish thing, and schemers are hated.'
               proverbs 14:29 'people with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great
                                     foolishness.'
               proverbs 15:1 'a gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.'
               proverbs 15:18 'a hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them.'
               proverbs 17:27 'a truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-
                                      tempered.'
               proverbs 18:13: 'spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.'
               proverbs 19:11 'sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking
                                      wrongs.'
               proverbs 21:9 'it's better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife
                                    in a lovely home.'
               proverbs 21:19 'it's better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining
                                      wife.'
               proverbs 22:24&25 'don't befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or
                                     you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.'
               proverbs 25:24 'it's better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife
                                     in a lovely home.' [the fact that this is repeated... over... and over... kinda
                                     makes me think i'm not the only one who struggles with this ;) ]
               proverbs 26:21 'a quarrelsome person starts fights as easily as hot embers light charcoal or
                                     fire lights wood.'
               proverbs 27:15&16 'a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.
                                            stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold
                                            something with greased hands.'
               proverbs 29:11 'fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.'
               proverbs 29:22 'an angry person starts fights; a hot-tempered person commits all kinds of
                                      sin.'
               ecclesiastes 7:9 'control your temper, for anger labels you a fool.'

not easily overcome

i don't know if you are as discouraged as i am about seeing how much the bible actually does talk out against fools like me who are hot-tempered at times :(
hmm... where is there hope?! when i end up face to face with this weakness [mostly after i have failed to utilize my internal 'filter'] i am so humiliated before my God. honestly, who am i to act so haughty that i speak condescendingly to those around me [who, in all truthfulness, are much more wise than i for having control over their tongues?!] oh i frustrate myself to the fullest sometimes... and it's at these times... [you know... where you're so disgusted you can't even bring yourself to look up when in front of a mirror].. yes, it's at these times that i fall flat on my face in front of God's throne and weep.

and if you ever want a renewal of your soul... that's exactly where you should be.

'may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer' psalm 19:14